Losing a dog is one of the hardest things a family can go through. And when you have young children looking to you for answers, it can feel impossible to know what to say.
The night we lost our dog Molly, our five year old crawled into my lap sobbing. Through her tears she kept saying the same thing over and over.
"I need her. I want her here."
And I just held her. Because there were no words. There is nothing you can say in that moment. You just hold them and let them feel it. I was sad too. And I let them see that.
Our seven year old was quieter about it, which was somehow harder. We found him curled up in bed, not saying anything at all. Just lying there with red eyes and a look on his face that no seven year old should ever have to wear.
Both of those moments broke our hearts in completely different ways.
If you are reading this right now, you are probably somewhere in the middle of your own version of that night. Your house feels too quiet. Your kids are looking at you for answers you do not have. And you are struggling with your own grief while trying to be strong enough to help shoulder theirs.
I’m not an expert in this but here is what helped our family cope with that heartbreaking goodbye. Not a perfect plan. Just the real things that actually seemed to make a difference when our dog died.
1. Use Clear and Gentle Language
The instinct is to soften everything. "She went away for a while." "She went to sleep." "We lost her."
We understand that instinct completely because we felt it too. But children are more perceptive than we give them credit for. Vague answers create confusion and sometimes more fear than the truth does.
What actually helped was being gentle but clear.
"Molly passed away. She went to Dog Heaven so she is not going to be with us here anymore. But she will always be in our hearts."
And then we held them both and said "it is okay that we are sad. We are sad because we love her so much. And that love never goes away, even if she is not here with us physically anymore."
It was their first experience with that kind of loss and honestly we are not sure our youngest even fully understood what it meant in that moment. But we did not want to create false hope that Molly was coming back. Saying it simply and honestly felt like the kindest thing we could do, even when the words were so hard to say out loud.
2. Invite Their Questions
After we told them about Molly we made sure to ask if they had any questions. We wanted them to know that no question was too big or too hard or too sad to ask out loud.
Our daughter asked if Molly was cold.
Our son stayed quiet, but we could see the questions all over his face even when he would not say them.
We have come to believe that the questions children ask about pet loss are never really about what they are asking. They are asking did she suffer. They are asking was she alone. They are asking is she okay now.
So answer those fears even when they do not say them out loud.
"She was not cold. She was not scared. She was with us right up until the very end. And she knew she was so loved."
Sometimes that is all they need to hear.
And keep checking in. Grief does not happen all at once for children or adults. New questions about their beloved furry best friend will come up when you least expect it. Let them know you are always open to talking about them.
3. Share the Good Memories
One of the best things we did was sit together as a family and just talk about Molly. The funny things. The ridiculous things. The things that were so specifically HER that nobody else would even understand.
Her unlikely best friendship with Cutie the cat.
The way she slept completely sideways in the bed every night, unapologetic about every inch of it.
The way she was our family vacuum cleaner and the kids knew exactly what they were doing every time they accidentally dropped something on the floor.
We laughed. We cried. We laughed while we were crying. And something about that felt exactly right.
Letting children see that grief and joy can exist in the same moment is one of the most important things we can give them. It teaches them that love does not disappear. It just changes shape. And that missing someone just means the love is still there. It does not have anywhere to go yet.
4. Validate THEIR FEELINGS
Our daughter was very upset. She said it was not fair.
She was absolutely right. It was not fair. And we told her so. We did not try to talk her out of it or rush her past it. We just sat with her in it.
Our son stayed quiet for days, which worried us more than the crying did. He processed it on his own timeline, in his own way, and eventually started opening up when he was ready. We learned to follow his lead rather than push him toward feelings he was not ready to have out loud.
Children move in and out of grief like waves. One minute they want a snack. The next minute they are inconsolable. Both are okay. Both are right.
Do not rush any of it. Do not tell them to cheer up. Do not tell them to be brave. And do not be afraid to let them see that you are grieving too. Saying "I am sad too, and that is okay" gives children permission to feel everything they are feeling without shame.
"It is okay to miss her as much as you want. Every single thing you are feeling right now is okay and completely understandable."
5. Create Something Together
Some children find comfort in creating something for their dog who has passed. A drawing. A card. A letter.
Our daughter sat down and wrote Molly a card. She said she loved her and missed her and hoped she was having fun in Dog Heaven.
And then we started talking about what Molly was doing in Dog Heaven. What it looked like up there. Whether she had picked her wings yet. Whether she and Cutie would ever meet again up there someday.
Our kids took that conversation and ran with it in the most beautiful way. That imagining, that picture of Molly somewhere silly and wonderful, became one of the most healing things we did as a family.
We loved it so much and it felt like a beautiful way to honor Molly. So I wrote it all down. After we had done it we realized it might help other families going through the same thing.
That is how our book Fairy Dog Heaven was born. It is a kids picture book about Dog Heaven and all the silly things dogs like Molly get to do up there. It’s a story that brings a little smile back even through the tears.
That book brought our family a lot of comfort during that difficult time and we hope it might bring yours some as well. If you’re interested, you can find it by clicking “order book” below or searching for it on Amazon directly.